“I was wondering if it’s normal to get turned on by music? Sometimes when I’m listening to something, and there’s a bass drop or a certain beat, I just get super horny and want to take care of business. Does this happen to anyone else?”
It is definitely not just you! Like, I have STRONG memories of staying awake really late in my room until my family were all in bed and I’d always listen to Umbrella by Rihanna on repeat and concoct elaborate fantasies in my head and… yeah. Not just you.
Actually we’ve all shared our turn-on songs a few times before - just look at the sexy songs tag to see them! - but let’s play it again!
Let me know what track makes you all kinds of horny in my ask ;)
I want to fuck you but you live too far away
My fiancé always orgasms before I do, but then gives up on satisfying me! What do I do?
“I am engaged and I love my fiancé, I know he’s the one, but we kind of have a problem. He cums fairly easily, no matter how much sex we have. We can draw it out, but it’s never enough to get me there, so afterwards I’ve started asking him to help me finish, (with my vibrator or his fingers) but he always gets really butthurt and starts saying "what, I’m not good enough for you? My dick’s too small?" I explain that girls just need a little more coaxing, but by then I’m not in the mood.
Also whenever he instigates he always gets what he wants, mostly just cause I love sex and am down whenever, but if I try to instigate or let him know I want it, he ALWAYS shuts me down. I feel like my sexual needs don’t matter. I have tried to tell him this but he just gets pissed and says, again, like he’s not good enough or that I just ask at stupid times. I need some serious advice. Nothing I have said or tried has helped. I love him but this isn’t okay.”
You are SO right that this is not OK! And oh goodness, is there any less attractive trait in a partner than self-pity?
(So, more generally, there might be all kinds of reasons that a girl doesn’t get off with her partner. Maybe she’s finding it difficult to feel relaxed, or not sure what feels good, or maybe he’s inexperienced, or the chemistry is wrong somehow, or whatever. And you’re both a bit frustrated and confused, so it’s important that you’re both patient and postiive with each other rather than feeling guilty or blaming the other person.)
But reading between the lines, it sounds like your fiancé knows exactly how to get you off, and basically, it’s like he can’t be bothered. It’s lazy, it’s rude, it’s not acceptable! If you’re a woman perfectly capable of climaxing with your partner than "we’re only done when we’ve both come" is a TOTALLY legit rule of thumb for sex. In fact, that’s pretty much the standard for grown-up sex.
So, like I say, you’re not crazy: this is most assuredly uncool. But let’s try and unpack what’s going on with Lazy Fiancé so we can work out to do!
One, he’s being complacent and doesn’t really get why you’re annoyed. I’m guessing he pretty much climaxes in every single sexual encounter and has literally never imagined what it would be like if sex ended before that happened. He’s not that it’s like him saying he’ll drive you to the airport and then dropping you off two miles short because he’s tired and wants to go back home.
When you talk about it – and you’re going to need to talk about it – then you need to try and get into his brain what that feels like. (If you’re feeling extremely sassy, you can try just climbing off him before he cums next time you’re having sex and, when he complains, give him all the same backchat he gives you.)
Two, I think he’s just ignorant that sex isn’t just ‘making out -> mutual masturbation -> oral -> penetrative sex -> orgasm -> eat a sandwich.’ This is like the worst pervasive myth ever and it’ll fuck up your sex life for all sorts of reasons! There are tons of combinations and orders of things to do, all deliciously as good as each other, and instead you need to find what gets you both off. Also, he needs to ACTUALLY get that most women (like 75%-ish!) rarely or never climax from penetrative sex. It’s not that it’s his fault (well, his own powers of endurance aside) it’s just… normal? It’s like him complaining that you aren’t having multiple orgasms from giving him a blowjob. He needs to live in the real world, not imaginary sex world. They’re right next door but he needs to pack his bags and make that move, because he’s meant to be a big boy now with a soon-to-be-wife and everything.
Three! I feel like, deep down, he’s not that confident? I think he’s covering for how sheepish he feels for not getting you off. I think it might all come from his really fixed ideas about How Sex Should Go.
He’s coming too quickly.
You’re coming too slowly.
And when you come onto him, and he’s not horny yet, maybe he’s shutting you down because he’s terrified that he won’t get turned on enough to get it up (which is of course only strictly necessary for the penetrative sex he’s so certain will satisfy you) and he’ll let you down and feel really embarrassed.
OK SO. You need to talk to your fiancé. He’s not just a random boy, you’re planning on spending your life with him, and to an extent you need to be frank and direct about sex if you’re going to go on that journey together! And he needs to feel the heat a bit to snap out of his little pity party, while still letting him feel confident. What he needs to know is that…
- This is a big, serious problem that can’t just go on forever.
- Sulking and butt-hurt self-pity is not acceptable, because…
- …this is actually a problem with a really simple, easy solution!
- He just needs to put in a little bit more effort and he’s golden.
- If he’s just too lazy to put in that work, that says a lot about how much respect he has for you sexually, and then things are not going to be good between the two of you. (Or with anyone else he sleeps with in the future for that matter!)
So maybe something like…
"When you come, but then can’t be bothered to get me off, I’m still so horny and frustrated, and it seems like you don’t even care. It’s hurtful because you know exactly what I like and how to make me feel good, and you could be such an amazing lover if you wanted! Whenever we’re together you always get off from being inside me, and that’s great and and it’s intimate and I love that you love it, but then you won’t touch me or go down on me and do the things that get me off! I honestly don’t care whether you make me come with your hands or your tongue or your dick or a toy, because whichever way it happens, it feels amazing, and I love being with you. You can drive me wild… so do it!"
Do it in your best most serious voice and I WISH YOU LUCK. Fiancé needs to know what time it is. And when the penny finally drops, then make sure you let him know how much you like it too.
And once he’s realised that for you, hands/oral/toys are all just as central to sexual satisfaction as penetrative sex, maybe he’ll be more willing to play around and experiment when you come onto him!
(And maybe - this is real maybe, admittedly - when he’s feeling less dick-size / endurance anxiety about making you come during sex, he’ll actually last a little longer! Because sex anxiety works weirdly, annoyingly backwards like that.)
Love and kisses and good luck x
one thought i get off on is redoing past sexual encounters but wayyyy better
so, if you’ve ever had bad sex with me, the good news is i’ve probably gotten myself off to the thought of us doing it again but fucking each other’s brains out
On the whole, people who go about sex in a way we call goal-oriented, or product-oriented, not only tend to orgasm less often, they tend to feel less satisfied with sex and their sex lives. People who tend to be more process-oriented in the sex they have, with partners and on their own in masturbation, tend to be more orgasmic and also tend to feel more satisfied.